Imperfect

It’s been a busy past few months for me. Since January, I’ve released two books. Luckily, they were already written, but I’ve been drowning in edits, proofreads, sales, and marketing (which takes up more time than I care to admit), not to mention my own freelance proofreading business. But I won’t complain about that. It’s a very good thing to have business. All of that to say that blogging wasn’t on my “must-do” list.

As I was looking at my memories on Facebook, it occurred to me that I used to blog a whole lot, and I miss it. I really do. Though, it feels like I don’t have a good idea in my head to blog about. What else could I add to what everyone else is blogging about? Does anyone even read blogs anymore? I don’t know. That’s probably the anxiety talking. Ignore that.

I’ve always tried to be transparent with y’all with my blogging. Why? Because it makes me more human. I even opened up about something last week that really bothers me. It’s something I never wanted to admit about myself, especially let others see.

I don’t want you all to think that I’m perfect, because I’m not. I’ve made that obvious, I hope. And over the past few months, I’ve really noticed that. Not that I ever thought I was perfect. I’ve never thought that, but it never stopped me from striving to be perfect.

I’ve always had this complex where I couldn’t let anyone see my weaknesses. But that was because I didn’t want to see my weaknesses. I beat myself up over small, stupid things I did, and I realize now that was just the anxiety talking. Because, who is really perfect?

I took the Bible verse Matthew 5:48 way too literally.

“Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”

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I strove for this perfection, and when I didn’t even come close to it, I beat myself up and felt extremely guilty about how I wasn’t perfect. Honestly, I still struggle with it.

I’ve been dealing with some personal things lately, mostly anxiety, fear and worry. (And you can read that in last week’s post.) But, I’ve not only been dealing with this, I’ve been dealing with beating myself up about having it.

I’ve even been struggling with my self-image more. Has anyone else noticed my lack of #youarebeautiful and #loveyourself posts? Yeah… It’s because I haven’t felt that way in a long time now. I was just searching through clothes online the other week, thinking about buying some new ones, when I had many thoughts:

  • “I wish I had the confidence to dress like that.”
  • “Oh that’s cute. But it wouldn’t be cute on me.”
  • “I really need to lose more weight.”
  • “I really need to lose a lot of weight.”

I closed my browser and stopped looking. I didn’t buy any new clothes.

Daily, I wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be better? Why can’t I be perfect?” But the cold hard truth is that I will never be perfect. I will struggle with things, but I don’t have to let those things define me. It’s hard to live that way. I’m trying. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’m really working on it. I’m working on me, and that’s about all I can say at this moment.

It’s okay to be imperfect. I hate that I am, but it’s okay. It’s okay for you too. We may deal with this hatred of being imperfect, but we can’t stay here. We have to keep moving. We have learn that we will never be perfect, so there’s no reason to get anxious about it and stay in that anxiety because we aren’t. And if you believe in God, we have to give it to Him. We have to let Him help us.

You’re imperfections are part of who you are. Maybe it’s time we started embracing that and if we’re ready to change, start out slowly, start working on how to fix it. It doesn’t have to happen overnight. In fact, I’ve been dealing with some things for years. But I’m working on me, and that’s okay.

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