To the one who hasn’t been his or herself lately…

I came across this tweet (by @alisonpool_)—oddly enough—on Facebook the other day.

to the girl...

To be frank, this has been my life for the past few weeks. I haven’t felt like myself. I have felt like a shell of myself. I see the person I am versus the person I usually am, and it scares me a bit. But, that’s the OCD, and the devil is using my mind as his personal playground. I don’t want to go into any detail regarding it, but the OCD has me worrying about things that haven’t even happened. It’s actually ridiculous, and though I realize that I’m being ridiculous, that what I’m obsessing over isn’t actually real, it feels real.

I know. I sound insane. Trust me, I feel it. Though, it doesn’t make it any less real to me. Which had me thinking about those who suffer quietly, who, like me, put on a smile and pretend to be fine when inside demons are ripping your mind to shreds, torturing you with thoughts of suicide, depression, obsessions, worry, fear, you name it. You aren’t alone. I promise you that. You. Are. Not. Alone.

I know that it feels like you’re drowning now, that nothing will ever be all right again, but that’s not true. There’s always a light that shines through the darkness. If you’re religious, that’s God. If you’re not (and even if you are), that’s your friend who checks on you or the stranger that smiles at you.

I had a thought the other night as I laid my head down and settled in to bed. It was the first time in a long time that I went to bed without a care, without some worry or fear or tormenting thought, and I thought, “I’m so glad to be normal again.”

That lasted exactly one night and half of a day.

What I’m saying is that some days you feel normal; others are struggle. I wish—and pray—that it isn’t like this. I want to be normal. I want to be myself again. And I will be. I will battle these demons. I will win.

It’s time to remind myself who I am. That I’m loved by a King, that I have help when I need it.

I’m not pushing my book, but it reminds me a lot of Lexi from Delivered by Angels. She felt hopeless, but God sent an angel to remind her that she was loved and could be saved. You can be saved. I can be saved. We’re not alone, and I think we should take comfort in that. And one day, we’ll be ourselves again. Our spark will return. I look forward to that day.

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#youarenotalone: Jordan Elizabeth talks about depression and writing

Hey guys!

I know you haven’t heard from me in a while, and I’m terribly sorry for that. But life…

Anyway, today, Jordan Elizabeth, a fellow Clean Reads author, is guest posting on my blog today. Let’s give her a hearty welcome!

***

I wouldn’t call myself a depressed person.  I wouldn’t call myself a sad person.  I have, though, struggled with depression and sadness in the past.  People always say to “let out your emotions through writing.”  When I’m sad, I’ve done that.  

My dog passed away nine years ago.  I was devastated.  At the time, she was my everything, and most days I found myself going through life with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I needed to express that emotion somehow, and yes, I did talk about it.  People said they understood what I was going through, and I’m sure they did – they too had lost beloved pets.  Their words didn’t help, though.  So, I sat down at my desk and started writing. 

I wrote about my grandmother, actually.  I had lived with her since I was 16 to help take care of her while she battled dementia.  The GOAT CHILDREN came about through my experiences with her.  Yes, much of it is fictionalized, but the emotion was there.  There were a lot of scenes I cut during the editing phase because they were too raw.  Rereading them brought all of that back. 

What does GOAT CHILDREN have to do with my dog?  Well, I gave the main character a little sister: Phebe.  Phebe was based off my dog.  At the end of the story, someone passes away, and I put all of my emotion over losing my dog into that.  I’ve had people tell me how the ending chapters made them cry because of all that emotion. 

Another time I wrote about sadness was when I broke up with my first official boyfriend.  That story is currently unpublished, but I shoved all that emotion into Tabitha breaking up with James, and I felt awesome about it.  I loved taking it all out on poor James.  Nah, he deserved it!

You’re probably wondering now what stories reflect my depression.

None of them.

I can’t write while depressed.  I close in on myself.  I ponder, and eventually I come out of it, but in the meantime, I can’t write anything.  The words are all stuck and emotionless.  Depression makes me numb.  I devote myself to marketing so that I know I’m still doing something, but it isn’t the same.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to write during my depressions, but in the meantime, I’ll write when I’m happy and when I’m sad, and if you cross me…well, you might show up someday as a villain.

***

The Goat Children by Jordan Elizabeth

Thanks, Jordan. Have any of you experienced anything like this before? I have. Sometimes, it’s just hard to write. But there’s

always hope for brighter days ahead!

If you’re interested in learning more about THE GOAT CHILDREN, Jordan is running a Black Friday-Cyber Monday sale on it! Check it out on Amazon for 99¢.

 

 

 

More about Jordan:

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Jordan Elizabeth writes down her nightmares in order to live her dreams. When she’s not creating art or searching for lost history in the woods, she’s updating her blog. Jordan roams Central New York, but she loves to travel.

Visit Jordan’s website and learn more about her!