I came across this tweet (by @alisonpool_)—oddly enough—on Facebook the other day.
To be frank, this has been my life for the past few weeks. I haven’t felt like myself. I have felt like a shell of myself. I see the person I am versus the person I usually am, and it scares me a bit. But, that’s the OCD, and the devil is using my mind as his personal playground. I don’t want to go into any detail regarding it, but the OCD has me worrying about things that haven’t even happened. It’s actually ridiculous, and though I realize that I’m being ridiculous, that what I’m obsessing over isn’t actually real, it feels real.
I know. I sound insane. Trust me, I feel it. Though, it doesn’t make it any less real to me. Which had me thinking about those who suffer quietly, who, like me, put on a smile and pretend to be fine when inside demons are ripping your mind to shreds, torturing you with thoughts of suicide, depression, obsessions, worry, fear, you name it. You aren’t alone. I promise you that. You. Are. Not. Alone.
I know that it feels like you’re drowning now, that nothing will ever be all right again, but that’s not true. There’s always a light that shines through the darkness. If you’re religious, that’s God. If you’re not (and even if you are), that’s your friend who checks on you or the stranger that smiles at you.
I had a thought the other night as I laid my head down and settled in to bed. It was the first time in a long time that I went to bed without a care, without some worry or fear or tormenting thought, and I thought, “I’m so glad to be normal again.”
That lasted exactly one night and half of a day.
What I’m saying is that some days you feel normal; others are struggle. I wish—and pray—that it isn’t like this. I want to be normal. I want to be myself again. And I will be. I will battle these demons. I will win.
It’s time to remind myself who I am. That I’m loved by a King, that I have help when I need it.
I’m not pushing my book, but it reminds me a lot of Lexi from Delivered by Angels. She felt hopeless, but God sent an angel to remind her that she was loved and could be saved. You can be saved. I can be saved. We’re not alone, and I think we should take comfort in that. And one day, we’ll be ourselves again. Our spark will return. I look forward to that day.